Here is a picture of my new hamster

Well, she's stopped swearing and weeing on people. And, as any fule kno, removing their own droppings and showering the results around is one of their favourite pastimes, and Tootsie does not disappoint on this front. She also has a penchant for piling up woodshavings at one end of her cage so she can burrow into the resulting pile, most of which ends up on the kitchen floor on account of falling out through the cage bars.

Looks like she'll be going into the storage crate where my previous hamsters have lived sooner rather than later.

Illustration Friday - Fast!

Stuck fast!

I've been and gone and chosen my new hamster

This isn't the new hamster, exactly, though she will probably end up looking like this. At the moment she's much younger and smaller. I've reserved one that's been bred by a breeder and am therefore confident (whoops, nearly put 'continent' there; though I am that, too) that she will be the gender they say she is. So far, Herbert, sold as a male, rather disconcertingly had two neat rows of nipples and no male apparatus; Falafel, sold as a female, didn't actually surprise me by sitting there licking her scrotum shortly after purchase. By that time I had lost all confidence in the ability of pet shop staff to tell the difference between boys and girls (though looking round at the staff - I'm not sure I'd have been able to either).

So I will be picking up the new hamster, who will probably be called Tootsie but I'm not 100% sure, on Sunday evening. She has very neat spectacles and has a similar paint job to Falafel, just very neat. Mind you, he didn't start growing his rather spectacular plumes until he was a couple of months old ...

Dear Agony Auntie,

My girlfriend's behaving strangely.

The other day I suggested we had sex, and she came up with some crap excuse like 'Well this is a hospital and I'm swathed from head to foot in bandages and one of my legs is strapped up and I can't move it'. Actually it did look as though she might be able to move it a bit if she really wanted to, so another crap excuse there, too.

Yes, there did seem to be a few people around including a couple of very bossy nurses who were trying to tell me to get lost as the doctor needed to see her, but she was also using this as an excuse not to have a bit of rumpy-pumpy with me.

I think I should try and get another girlfriend. What do you think? There was someone in the next bed who was also swathed from head to foot in bandages, with one leg strapped up to a contraption, so I probably wouldn't know the difference anyway. And the one in the next bed might be less inhibited.

What shall I do?

Spring Forward, Fall Back

I've been suffering with lower back pain for a while - ever since someone at the Sidmouth Folk Festival decided it would be a good idea to do can-can style kicks on a slippery floor. This would have been OK, but she was holding my hand at the time and when she went arse-over-tit she took me down with her. In an uncontrolled fashion. One might even say 'with a bump'.

Anyway, a treatment by an osteopath yielded only temporary relief and things were getting desperate - activities like driving, putting on shoes and socks and lying in bed were becoming excruciating; then I nabbed a physiotherapist whose consulting room is just down the corridor from the Occupational Therapy Office (Adult Clinical). (This is where I hang out sometimes). She prodded a bit, got me to do things and then, on the basis of when I yelped and how, informed me I have a sacroiliac joint injury - the ligaments probably being pulled when aforementioned Moulin Rouge (or should that be Moulin Rough) impersonator went into action.

But I digress. Now I am obliged to go to the gym every day, remedial exercises three times a day, and no high impact or twisty type things - which totally kiboshes any dancing for the foreseeable future. The worst was yet to come, though. I was wondering if going for long walks would be a good idea, or to be avoided, and looked online. Found a forum where someone had asked the same question, so it seemed, but then ... this is how it read:

'Dave has just been diagnosed with having a possible Sacroiliac Injury. The extent of the injury is not known but it is likely he did it when he was a racehorse.'

Well, it's indicated at least one activity in which I shouldn't participate ...

Illustration Friday - Pattern

Animals' fur, plumage, scales etc will often acquire a pattern which reflects their surroundings. The Loch Ness monster (depicted above) is particularly distinctive as a native of Scotland, and can be distinguished from other, similar monsters, like this one whose native habitat is further south.

Photographic identification may help ...

I've sent them this. Let's wait and see.

If you look carefully at the photo, you can see the blue sky reflected romantically in the pools of fuel surrounding the fuel pump (the yellow bit with knobs on in the middle). Luckily there's a lot less than there was, but I'm certain this stuff isn't good to breathe.

The Not-So-Great-Seal

The guy from the scrapyard said he'd send a seal. He hasn't. He's sent a gasket; it's quite a cheerful blue colour though. Right ... back onto them ...